I dont want to live, to waste another day, underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made.

Story of my life.

I spent a week alone recently. And when I'm alone, I like to think. A lot. So, in that week, I thought about my life.

Personally, I don't like my life. Not to the point where I'm suicidal, but I've gotten down to that point before. And it really sucked. But at the moment, my life is mediocre. I'm fighting with my parents. As usual. I'm in trouble. As usual. I can't make up my mind. As usual. There's drama. As usual. And a whole bunch of other stuff that I don't feel like saying. And yup, you guessed it. As usual. So, over the next hour or so of me typing, i would like to get a few things off my chest. Write a few things that I desperately want to say to people. Talk about my beliefs. Confess a thing or two. And all of it completely uncensored. (except for one)


Part One
On the subject of People



On the subject of Ashley Rae Ogles

I cannot believe what she has done to herself. She has become what she swore she'd never be. She broke a promise. She became a pot head.
She had always said that she hated pot, with a firey passion. And then, one innocent day at the mall, she was corrupted. They took her to a clearing and got her high. And she enjoyed it. I was apalled. I was brought to tears. My best friend. Corrupted. I couldn't believe it. She told me later that she wasn't planning on doing it ever again. And then she did. And corrupted another friend. Which shocked me even more. Because that was two promises broken in one action. I can't stand either one of you anymore.
You lied to me, Allie. You told me you weren't high. But oh, how I knew you were. You can't hide it, you can't deny it. Because I know you. I know you sober. And now I know the REAL you.
Ashley, if you're reading this, I just want you to know how much I hate you for what you've become. Even though you love it. You always said that we'd always be BFF's. I guess not. Because I can't be friends with someone who can't even see that she's destroying her life. You're losing friends left and right. But you don't care. Because you're high as a fucking bird every minute of every day. You've become a monster. And that monster is repulsive and disgusting. All that's left of you is an intoxicated body that I don't even know. You've become 'Scarlett'. You're not Ashley anymore. 'Scarlett' is NOT my friend. Ashley is. I hate 'Scarlett'. I can't stand her. She's disgusting.



On the subject of Kayla Ashley Adams.

I love you, Jeanette. From consoling me every night while tears streamed down my cheeks to laughing our asses off texting each other quotes from Comedy Central specials, you've always been there for me. We never fought like I did with my other friends. We always got along. Always lent each other a helping hand. Because hey, that's what friends are for.
We've shared a lot of memories together. Chincoteague, sleepovers, late night conversations and now school. I'll remember them forever. Because you're probably the best friend I have ever had. We may have not always agreed when it comes to guys and such, but hey, you still supported me. And you still are. You keep puxhing me to do what I'm scared to do. And I'm almost there. And I want to sincerely and honestly thank you for that, however much I hate you for it.
You're what keeps me believin' the world's not gone dead. Strenghten my bones, put the words in my head. When they pour out to paper, it's all for you...



On the subject of Paul Griffin

Cheer up, man. I love you too much to see you like this. Sure, we've had our problems, but hey, I'm still here. I always will be. Because I love you. I want to still be watching Robot Chicken and nerdy movies with you long after colege. Because you're just that awesome. I've always given you the best advice I have, and you've given me some pretty good stuff too. Even in some of my darkest hours, you helped me pull through. So thanks. Thanks a lot. (:



On the subject of Zak Olwine

You're pretty freaking amazing. No one has ever stuck up for me like you have. And I love you for it. You make me smile way too much, but there's nothing wrong with that. But the downside is, we're the best friends with feelings for each other.
We met through Nightwish, and I'm crazy happy I wore my shirt the day I did, because if I did'nt, i wouldn't even know Sancta Terra, I wouldnt have such a huge saved messages folder, I wouldn't have anyone to get drive by morning tackle hugs from, and I wouldn't have anywhere to sit at lunch this year.



On the subject of Christopher Greer

I love you, mannn. Like, seriously. I miss you soooooo much. We need to hang out soon.
I always thought you were a little strange when I first met you. But then I got used to you. And you're pretty freaking awesome. You give really good advice too.



On the subject of Alexander Lee Winter

I really miss you, Alex. It feels really wierd without you here at home. But I hope college is going okay, now that your roomate is around.



On the subject of Alexandra Dakota Strakes

I don't even know what to think of you anymore. I'm so terrified that you're going to end up just like Ashley. I mean, we're not on the best terms right now, but I really dont want to lose you too. Because we had great times together. And if you throw it all away just so you can get a fix every now and then, then everything will mean nothing.



On the subject of Susan Jankowski, Emilie Shaffer and Taylor Bosley

I miss you guys soooooo much. The schools splitting made me cry pretty hard. Seeing you guys again would make me soooo happy.

To Susie: We need another cupcake party, pronto.

To Emilie: I NEED TO FIND MY PANTS! We've got to hang out soon. Backstage crew will never be the same without you. Fuck! There's a tree there.

To Taylor: I miss youuuuuuu. Colorguard needs youuuuu.



On the subject of Ashlynn Hill

You make no sense when you speak Spanish around me, but passing notes in Spanish Class is always fun. You give pretty good advice when it comes to guy problems, which has really helped me along the way, believe it or not.



On the subject of Connor Crum

You're insane. But I love you. We never really got to hang out over the summer. I wish we could have. Manchester Carnival and water balloon fights will always be my favorite memory of you.



On the subject of Corey Peaslee

You're insane. Just like Connor. And most of my other friends. But regardless, you're pretty awesome. Good times at the mall. It needs to happen again sometime. You got me into Queens of the Stone Age. But it's all good.